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The Light Behind The Door

by Aud Andrews

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Brandon McDougal
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1.
Invisible Spectrum 04:27
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Am I ghostly Lightless Unseen Breathing Slowly Pins and Needles Always Always Spirit's lowly Weakened Weighted Tired and Wakeful Guarded Anxious Disconnected Slighted Joyless Apoplectic Boiling Numb Always Always
2.
Things We Bring 03:54
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Eventually you'll realize that I am undeserving of your favor You'll find somebody better and I'll be solitary once again And if I'm being honest with myself I won't even be surprised The things we bring don't always measure up To what other's provide Eventually the whispers I imagine will present themselves as truth That all of those around me only act the part and never really cared And if I'm being honest with myself I won't even be surprised The things we bring don't always measure up To what others can provide (third verse here?) But I'm not being honest with myself Am I nothing without someone else? Is this what I feel, and is it real, and do you hate me? After all I'm human and I need a touch, a word, a thought, a gesture Everything I've ever done and all I've seen and here I am in need of only love So, will you let me feel your love? And I will love you always and forever Will you let me feel your love and maybe the things we bring can finally measure up
3.
Toad 03:53
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Can I get out this bed? Can I move on from these irksome reflections? Isn't it time that I tried? I promise it's tempting but my will to move is empty I'll just lie here and wait for my will to return Who am I kidding? it's gone Where does the energy go? Maybe it's left me so someone else can use it? Do I resemble the dead? I know I'm moving but I'm barely moving. I'll just lie here and wait for my will to return Who am I kidding? it's gone away no chance to reclaim what I've lost so I'm eating the cost and it's All the same, every single day till I drop I will sit like a Toad on a log Wasting my time This one finite life That I'm squandering Idling Wondering Endlessly Hopelessly Waiting for sympathy Somebody please put me Out of my misery
4.
Past The Oaks, Beyond The Pines 03:58
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Within the fog and through the thicket there's a wall With a garden on the otherside You can stay and sit in stillness for awhile Restore the nature of your truest mind Though it may seem to be a perfect place to live Safe and sound away from fear It's just daydream and reality awaits Desperation drawing near Past the Oaks, Beyond the pines Is everything you ever wanted Past the Oaks, Beyond the Pines You won't have to feel so haunted
5.
I Am Not The Whispers In My Head 06:22
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Give it up, I'm not only over it, I'm sick and tired. And when it's over with, I'll be back again. Thoughts change and words aimed at me estrange, brings me down. But I'm not the whispers in my head. Cheer up it's not so bad, don't be sad It's a miracle! You've fixed me! I'm cured! If you believe the things you say I hope and pray someday you don't feel this way Chemicals in my head make me feel like dead or I wanted to be in the grave. But I haven't the will pop a pill so I know that my brain will behave When I'm all alone with the whispers I'm only as good as they say that I am And I never did know the difference And I'm so afraid of the sound It repeats, over and over The feeling is strong even as I get older Self aware and I'm so self destructing Everyone cares and nobody does it's Contradicting and honestly sickening Tell me I'm fine but my brain isn't listening I'm lonely in my own skull I'm selfish and hateful the feeling is awful When I'm all alone with the whispers I'm only as good as they say that I am And I never did know the difference And I'm so afraid of the sound I'll never escape from the whispers but I don't have to listen to what they say I can be better than that and evolve into someone that I don't hate
6.
Calliope 04:54
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7.
The Greenest Hills 05:29
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Where does it come from? Where does it go just when I need it to return Need it to return Feeling I'm glued in place Watching the scene float by with no heart to say No heart to say Squeezing and pressing pushing down Furious mind I'd never let slip out Carving a name into my brain to stop The sting of shame I'm feeling now Even the greenest hills can't sooth me now Bubbling super fury Fighting the urge to rip the world apart To see what's inside Auditory acid Poison slipping from your tongue With every word that you say When is it too late? Consequences meaning nothing in the moment Is it over? When is it over? No more time for contemplation Now or never, got to take it into my own hands Even the greenest hills can't sooth me now
8.
Paranoise 04:31
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Are you running away Can I convince you to stay Or am I too much to take? Believe I understand You know I know what I am And I'm a difficult man Knowing me's a mistake An simple blunder to make Patience is so hard to fake Don't worry your pretty face I'm basically empty space I'm easy to replace Do you promise you care? Please don't mind if I stare I've never been so aware It's just a little concern A scar I've easily earned From all the heartstring burns Why do you look that way? Should I go should I stay I'm so conflicted I know the things I invent Don't know where sanity went The fear is creeping under Rise, into the stratosphere making it hard, to see, what's real Always Far, from truth not knowing what to trust is this a game a play oh god my mind aches Paranoid and the noise is deafening Paranoise
9.
Hourglass 05:27
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We are subject to the prevalence of fantasy We can never change the things we never wished to see We are trapped inside ourselves forever incomplete Only in the end to find we didn't need to be Can you hear spaces inbetween us murmering? Still and silent yes but also wholly deafening Can you comprehend a life where no one ever knows All the visions from the light that lives behind the door? As time moves ever forward We're stuck inside our past And grain by grain the sand falls We're drowning in the hourglass Are you wondering if these bitter thoughts will ever change? Will they cripple your impressions leaving you deranged Wash away the haze within your weary eyes to see You were always bedlam from your early infancy
10.
An Important Distinction 07:09
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I can't change, but I cannot stay the same I know I feel strange, like it all has suddenly gone slow I can't cope, and it's getting harder to believe There's still hope, or perhaps it's all born to deceive With no reprieve, no inner peace, it all unweaves Phantom hands, (always) point the barrel at my head Tease Relief, If I'd only give in to the cure Constantly, (wondering) If it's right to end it all She'll feel pain, so I'm anchored only by her love is it enough, to hold me up, or am I too late, too late Don't want to die, don't care if I live, an important distinction to make So high a price, too broke am I, to pay for quiet I often dream of fate taking the wheel, wresting the choice from my hands While at the same time despising myself for feeling this way Despite these words, I think you should know, an important distinction to make They're only words, invasive thoughts, creeping tendrils Though I may feel, these self hateful things, I know they're unsound reflections When I am lost, I look to the stars, they light my way I let the stars guide me home Each point is a light Each light is a Star Each star is a name written on my heart

credits

released July 15, 2022

Music and Lyrics: Aud Andrews
Production: Aud Andrews
Artwork: Aud Andrews
Everything Else: Aud Andrews

Special thanks to Hannah Radcliff, Edward Calvey, Shogo Miyakita, Dallis MacKenzie, Magnus Carlssen, Hannah Tuttle, Kathryn Stanley, David Izquierdo, Matt Tankersley, B. Narr, all my family and friends, and especially to my incredible wife Amber.

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Aud Andrews Houston, Texas

Voice Artist, Singer, and Musician. All releases will be pay what you want and published under creative commons!

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